Pray? or Be Still?

Life is rough. 

Sometimes we don't know if we are coming or going.  We don't know if we are to stay or to move.  Do we pray without ceasing or are we to Be still and know He is God?

That is my conundrum for today.

I was out walking this morning - yes it was wet out, little foggy and misty, but I won't melt I promise!  I've found lately that I just am not connecting during my time with the Lord.  I don't have any direction - I feel like I'm a flag flapping in the wind, tossed to an fro.  Walking the last few mornings has helped me to at least talk to God.  If I stay in the house I all of a sudden develop ADHD....I can't focus on any one thing for 2 seconds!

So Gods word tells us to pray without ceasing.  That doesn't mean we need to be on our knees, prostrate before the Lord.  But, to continually be in conversation with him throughout our day.   But we are also told to be still and know he is god.  These two verses caused me some confusion and anguish this morning.

I've prayed and prayed about my professional life for several years now.  I dream of someday having a job I love going to.  I have heard it said if you love what you do you never "work" a day in your life.  I don't know that feeling.  I never have.  And I want that.  I am about to be an empty nester.  I'm proud of my kids.  They have dreams that they are pursuing.  I've always been strong.  Tough mom.  Independent.  I rarely cried in front of my kids.  But now I'm a sappy mess.  My oldest has been away for three years and sometimes a text from him brings me to tears.  I miss him so much and I worry that I won't mean as much to him as he builds his own family and becomes part of another one.  My youngest is about to embark on his college career.  He is my side-kick.  We are together all the time.  He won't tell me he loves me. He won't let me hug him.  I know he loves me but I need to hear it.  More now than I ever have.  
I'm trying to sell my house.  Where will I live?  Will I stay here or move?  What is on the horizon?

I pray about so many things and sometimes I fee like a whiner!!  Then I get scared God is tired of hearing from me.  He told me to be still, yet I am told to pray without ceasing.  An oxymoron if you ask me.  Pray but be quiet!!!  :-)

So, what are we to do?  We are supposed to do both.  My problem is the worry that I stick in between praying and being still....I pray and then I'm supposed to be still.  But, instead, I'm letting it swirl above my head.  Dirty, messy, trashy stuff going a mile a minute over me.  I don't have peace because of my worry.  

So I'm gonna pray - and then I'm gonna really really work on that being still part.  Its so hard.  But, if I want the mess to settle, I don't really have a choice do I?

maybe some time on the beach in a few weeks will give me some of that peace.  Lets pray it does...

thanks for listening - pray for me, I need it!

Jesus Loves Me

Jesus loves me
This I know
For the Bible tells me so....

We've all heard and even sang this song.  We learned it as small children and it brings back memories when we hear it as adults.  Recently I heard a sermon about His love for me.  The problem is - I've never believed it!

Yes, you heard me right.  I  never believed Jesus loves me.  I grew up in a church that taught me to FEAR God.  If I didn't do things just right I would be punished.  God would withhold my blessings. If I had struggles in life it was because I didn't have enough faith or I had sin in my life that needed to be found out.  

I FEARED Jesus. 

To be honest, I've lived my life in fear. 

Fear that if I sin, he will keep my blessings from me.

Fear that if I sin, he will punish me.

Certain that my life feels like I'm on a merry go round because of some hidden sin that I haven't confessed.

So, when I was told a few weeks ago that Jesus loves me....I didn't buy it!  

We sang that song - and it brought me to tears.  I went forward and knelt at the altar and cried many tears.  Because I want to be loved.  I want to FEEL loved.  I want to know that I"m LOVEABLE.

If you know me, you know I will do anything for you.  I will help those who need help.  I'm always there for others when they need me.  I will pray for you in a heartbeat.  But, I wonder why I don't offer myself the same courtesy?  Why am I so hard on myself?  Why have I convinced myself I'm not good enough to be nice to?  I say horrible things to myself - and believe them.  Why?  Because I don't feel loved.  I haven't most of my life.  Now, I'm not talking about love from a man.  I just haven't felt good enough at all.  But, Jesus laid down his life for ME!  If I was the only human alive he would have done it for ME!  

Jesus love ME! This I need to KNOW.  I need to let it seep into my fearful heart and let his love melt the rough edges.  I've lived my whole life TRYING too hard to be loved.  He loves me just as I am.  I don't have to change to be loved by Jesus.  We often have to DO something or BE someone we aren't to be loved by humans - but in my roughest, dirtiest, crummiest state - Jesus loves me.

That is a revelation.  That is freeing.  That is comforting.  It soothes my soul.  Jesus loves me, this I know....