When I pray, do I view God as a loving Father, or a dad who loves me when I'm good, but ashamed of me when I'm bad?
This blog is going to be raw. I cried buckets of tears this morning. I am not ashamed to say God and I wrestled. Ok, I wrestled, he sat and listened, waiting for me to calm down so he could hold me and let me know he loves me.
I thought I felt free to come to my father with anything, at any time. I have found I can't say "daddy" when I pray. Why? Because I grew up without a daddy. I never had an example of a dad when I was a little girl. My dad was absent. Forgetful. I felt dismissed. Forgotten. Forgettable.
I have lived most of my life feeling like no one would ever remember me if they crossed my path. I have felt that from God at times. I try to live a life that is Godly. I try to do the right thing and yet my blessings are held away from me. I don't live my life trying to be Godly in order to get blessings. I live that way because I want to reflect my Father. I so desperately want to feel loved. I want to feel like my Father wants to be with me and that he is proud of me. Proud to call me his daughter. His child.
I've lived my life feeling forgettable. A mist that blows in and then fades away, so the sunshine of those behind me can shine through. Why? I'm suffering from the sin of my father. One who left and forgot me. He raised another daughter and never left her. He still to this day floats in and out, like the fog does off the misty shore. If I'm a product of him, doesn't it stand to reason I too am mist? Its what I've grown to believe.
God is chipping away at that. Little by little he's letting me know He has never left me. I may have strayed. I may have done things that are shameful, but he isn't ashamed of me. He wants to hold me, with my head in his lap. He wants me to tell him my deepest fears and doubts. He wants to wipe them away and give me hope. He wants me to listen to his heart, his teachings, his guidance, and feel safe and secure.