I woke up at 1:30 this morning and couldn't get back to sleep. My mind was racing and my thoughts were all over the place. I was told recently some things that I didn't want to hear. The words broke my heart and saddened me. In the early morning hours I realized I finally knew what Jesus feels when we say similar things to him.
I got this.
I can do this on my own.
I don't need you.
I can make my own decisions.
I KNOW we do that to God. We treat him like a Jeanie in a bottle. We sit him on a shelf and tell Him we will call on him only when we need something, otherwise, we GOT THIS.
We want to forge our own path. We want to do our own thing. Make our own choices. But, if we need something, that's when we call on Him, expecting him to be there ready to hand out what we need.
Being a parent is hard. You raise them up for years to have them one day leave and say they don't need you any more. That they can make their own decisions. They start to put others ahead of you and expect you to just understand. If you are a parent and have had this happen to you, you may know how it feels. Yes we want them to stand on their own, but we don't expect them to hurt our hearts in the process. But, having children means your heart is walking around outside of your body anyway. Its easy when they are young, because you are obviously needed. But, as they age and mature, it become more and more apparent you are only needed for certain things. Otherwise, they don't want to hear what you have to say. They don't protect that heart of yours that you've given away to them.
I imagine God sitting in Heaven, feeling much like we do as parents. We watch our children forge their own way. We watch them walk away from us saying they are grown and can do it by themselves. They put us on a shelf like we do God, as if we are there only for a rainy day. How God's heart must hurt when we turn away from him. I know He patiently sits and waits. I must patiently sit and wait. We tell God he's too demanding. Its too hard to follow Him. He has too many rules. Too many expectations. So, we walk away. But, we want him there in the background for when things get rough. Oh how it must hurt him. Now, I know that hurt. Its kept me up at night.
I guess the lesson here is as that change we must change. The great thing though is that God never changes. That is why He is God. We let them go as He lets us go. We say things that I know grieve our Father. Maybe now I will think more about Him and my actions because of what I'm going through with my own children. But, just as God does, I will sit and wait. I will continue to wait but in my waiting I will move forward with my own life. I will see what is ahead for me and see where God wants me to go, what He wants me to change and what He wants me to do. Its a difficult season and I'm thankful God is patient with me.
For now, I will try to rest in knowing I'm in good company on those nights when I can't sleep. He is with me. He knows what I'm going through. He knows how I feel. That's what is so great about God. There is nothing we experience that He hasn't experienced, so he knows how we feel. Its a new season for everyone. Painful - Yes. Impossible - No.
If you know me well, you know that I journal almost every day. I buy a blank journal every year.
The blank pages left are few. Another year is winding down.
Another year of being single.
Another year of writing (or not writing)
Another year of financial sameness and struggles
A year of loss - 2 very special people in my life went to be with the Lord.
A year of realizing who your friends truly are (or aren't)
A year of realizing how very important family is.
A year of helping others and thinking less of myself
Its also a year of growing spiritually, of growing closer to people, of learning more about ME.
It was a year of trusting God in my struggles and seeing Him remain faithful to me.
It was a year of Him sustaining me.
His grace is a sustaining grace. His grace is enough. Jesus is enough.
He gives me just enough grace to get through each moment. It sustains me. It meets me where I'm at.
I ask myself "What about next year? What am I willing to do for God next year? Where am I willing to go?"
What has this year been like for you? Journaling is a way for me to document what happened in my year so I can go back and see how God showed up. Its humbling and its raw. I write what I am experiencing - good or bad. Someday when I'm gone my kids will find my journals and there will be things in there that may shock them. They will see what I kept hidden from them. They will know I was more than just mom. I felt - I experienced hurt, anger, resentment, disappointment, struggles and pain but I also found Joy and peace and my faith grew thru all of that. Each year tells a different story and at the end of each year I look forward to the blank pages in front of me. I love January 1! Not only is it my birthday but its also the day I get to write on that first blank page. I know I need to work harder at changing my story. I need to do more and each year on day 1 there is always hope and excitement to put behind what was wrong and press forward to a clean slate...
....I'm excited to see what the next blank page holds for me
