Words and Wounds

She laid there in her hospital bed.  Weak.  Frail.  Near the end of her days.

I was young.  19 at most.  She was my heart.  The one I cherished and loved.  I would spend summers with her and share her bed.  In the early mornings I would lay and listen to her talk about how much she loved me.  How pretty my smile was. 

I grew up and went to college and she would write me letters and tell me how proud she was.  I went to her bedside to see her, this woman I cherished.  I held her hand and we laughed some.  She told me she was proud of me and to do good in school.  Then, as I bend down to kiss her cheek she whispers in my ear "You would be so pretty if you would just lose weight".  Even now, writing this, those words pierce me.  An arrow to my heart.  My grandmother.  Trying to encourage me, I know, but wounding me instead with her words.  She will never know the depth of pain I felt at her words or how that one sentence has haunted me the rest of my days.

How do we recover from words that were meant to encourage but end up hurting and wounding us?  This culture places so much value on appearance, how do I rewrite the script in my head that says as long as I'm thin, I will be pretty, otherwise I am not?  Only one thing can help - replacing the lies we have believed for the truth of who God says we are.  TRUST.  

"We show God how much we love Him by intentionally dragging our feelings of insecurity in line with who God's word says we are and acting on that truth rather than the familiar lies we have believed", Sheila Walsh, The Storm Inside.

People will fail us, but not God!   He is worthy of our 100% trust.  He will stand true to his promises.  There will be times I won't FEEL like dragging my will into line with Gods.  I need to stand on what is true, not what my emotions are saying.  When feelings of insecurity of my value and worth start to threaten to overtake me, I need to remember what John 15:15-16 says:

"Now you are my friends, since I have told you everything the Father told me.  You didn't choose me, I chose you."

"You didn't choose me, I chose you"
"You didn't choose me, I chose you"
"You didn't choose me, I chose you"

I am His.  Nothing anyone says to me or about me can change that.  I am His because He chose me.  I am loved and treasured. 

"Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you."  So we say with confidence "The Lord is my helper, I will not be afraid.  What can mere mortals do to me?"  Heb 13:5,6

I miss my grandmother.  I love her dearly.  I know that if she was here today, she would be proud of who I am.  She would never say anything to intentionally hurt me. I know her words weren't meant for harm, but for good.  I crawl to the foot of the cross and lay those words at His feet.  I am no longer defined by that sentence and I will walk in the truth of what God has said "You didn't choose me, I CHOSE YOU". 

If you struggle with insecurity, shame, fear, hopelessness, please consider reading "The Storm Inside" by Sheila Walsh.  Its been amazing to see how much God loves me, how he longs for me to be set free from all that is holding me back.  I walk in freedom today and continue my journey of laying it all at His feet.