Worth

I have struggled with self-worth for as long as I can remember.  So many have tried to encourage me, lift me up and tell me I'm loved, but at the end of the day, the battle is in my head, in my heart...its one I fight almost daily.

Looking back, it started when I was 5.  My dad left.  He'd found someone new to love and walked away.  I don't write this to make him feel bad, its just the way it was.  Seeing his truck at someone else's house on my bus route made me feel unworthy.  Unworthy of his love and attention.  I didn't feel good enough for him.  Have you ever felt this way?  Felt like someone who should have loved you unconditionally turned their back on you? Ever felt abandoned or discarded?  Have you internalized those feelings of rejection and allowed it to change how you feel about yourself?  Let me remind you what God's word says about you and me.

I struggled with my weight since he left.  Most of my life I was overweight and sedentary.  I just didn't care.  If my dad couldn't love me why should I love me?  So, most of my life has been a struggle with what the world sees and who I am in Christ.  I finally got healthy after my babies were born.  I lost about 100 pounds, ran hundreds of miles and became obsessed with my size.   I ran marathons, half marathons, and spent a lot of time on the road.  It was something I thought I was doing for my health (and I was), but I look back now and realize I was running away from my past.  I was running away from those feelings of inadequacy - trying to prove him wrong.  I was worthy because I could run 26.2 miles.  I was worthy because I was a certain size now.  But, eventually, I stopped running. I realized that all of that running still left me feeling empty inside.  Who was I trying to please? Why couldn't I move past that struggle in my head?   As long as I could run lots of miles and tell everyone about it, I felt worthy.  If I could run 14 miles without stopping, I was worthy.  But, we all have to stop running.  Eventually we come to a point in the road where we have to make a decision.  I have to face my feelings.  In 1 Sam 16:7, it says "Man looks at outward appearances, but the Lord looks at the heart"

When this world ends, and I stand before my creator, he won't look at the size of my clothes...He will look at the size of my heart.  I may not be able to run all those miles any longer, but does it make me less worthy?  I may not be the size I was at 32, but should that change who I am in Christ? NO.  Too often we let what others think of us matter.  All that matters is that I am fearfully and wonderfully made. (Ps. 139:14).  I am loved. I am worthy.  So, if you have struggled like me, look in the mirror today and instead of seeing what is wrong with your outward appearance, look at your heart (you can see it in your eyes) and say:

" I am loved "

" I am worthy " 

" I am good enough "

Let me share with you a poem my oldest son wrote me on Mothers day this year.  It opened my eyes to see that he sees me not for my size, but for who I am.  May it bless you as it blessed me:

I see a woman
A woman who's height does not reflect
how high she is in love
eyes of blue are the sapphire treasure
that is lost in her sadness
Sadness that exists because
she feels she has all to give
and no one to receive.
Its as if she is standing on the highway
with a sign that says "I need to be loved by someone"
The problem is that the highway is too mainstream
It's filled with common things
She deserves uncommon
She deserves more than what she's expecting
You see, its not just about acceptance for her
She has just been accepted too many times
She wants to be marveled at
And rightly so
Many years she has been a candle in a closet
Her light hidden from sight.
She is becoming content with circumstances
NO longer
Soon, a blind man will see and see her.
He will be drawn in and captivated by her smile.
Soon, she will find love
But right now, she has not one but two.
Two loves that give back the love she pours out
they are her children.
Two boys that don't always show what they feel.
But still they feel.
They love their mother
They are constant.
They will love her till the day she dies.